The way of forgiveness for victims of domestic violence in Maori and Japanese perceptions
I have been working as a domestic violence advocate and therapist for over twenty years, starting when I was in Japan and continuing here in New Zealand. I have seen different clients who have come from different countries and religious backgrounds and have realised that they have different meanings and concepts for forgiveness. In this essay I will discuss the meaning and value of forgiveness to victims of family violence and the cultural aspects of these subjects. I will also consider the relationship between safety and forgiveness as well.
Before discussing these topics, what does forgiveness mean?
International Forgiveness Institute (2022) declared, “The core meaning of forgiveness remains as a person, unjustly treated by others, [who] makes the free will decision to be good to those who acted unfairly.” According to Harvard Health Publishing Medical School (2021), “There are two sides to forgiveness: decisional and emotional. Decisional forgiveness involves a conscious choice to replace ill will with good will.”
However, how does the victim react to the perpetrator’s violence? McCullough & Witvliet (2005) explained,
“Human beings appear to have an innate proclivity to reciprocate negative interpersonal behaviour with more negative behaviour. When insulted by a friend, forsaken by a lover, or attacked by an enemy, most people are motivated at some level to avoid or to seek revenge against the transgressor” (p.446).
I have met many Asian and Indian clients who had been struggling with their cultural and spiritual obstacles. For instance, some of them believed in karma which made them find it difficult to forgive. It is also hard for them to be independent from the abuser when they used to be in a co-dependency / enmeshed relationship. Matsakis (1996) noted, “The violence fosters or increases the victim’s dependence on the abuser” (p. 301). In addition, as Briggs (2014) emphasized, “Many people who have survived trauma such as rape or domestic violence have feelings of self-contempt or self-loathing as if they were somehow responsible for the crimes committed against them” (p.17).
Briggs (2014) also mentioned, “In the case, say, of a battered woman continually returning to her spouse or an abusive cleric who is transferred from congregation to congregation, forgiveness given inappropriately also can endanger the survivors and others” (pp.17-18). From the discussion above it can be said that it is extremely hard for the victim to forgive the abuser.
Even so, when a victim can forgive the perpetrator, are there any consequences from this challenging process? There are some articles to show the positive impact of forgiveness on mental health such as lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms and hostility (Freedman & Enright, 2017; Harvard Health Publishing Medical School, 2021; McCullough & Witvliet,2005).
In addition, forgiveness reduces substance abuse (Harvard Health Publishing Medical School,2021) and can help the victim to gain higher self-esteem and greater life satisfaction (Freedman & Enright, 2017; Harvard Health Publishing Medical School, 2021; McCullough & Witvliet,2005). McCullough & Witvliet (2005) pointed out, “People at the high stages—forgiveness as social harmony and forgiveness as love—reason that forgiveness is appropriate because forgiveness promotes a harmonious society and is an expression of unconditional love” (p.454). McCullough & Witvliet continued (2005), “The proposition that forgiveness is related to relationship factors such as satisfaction, commitment, and closeness raises the question of whether the dynamics of forgiveness could vary for different types of relationships” (p.456). Forgiveness also has other positive effects including better sleep, greater creativity, higher IQ, greater emotional intelligence, and an enhanced sense of spirituality (Nyquvest, 2021). There are some researchers who say, by overcoming desires for revenge, forgiveness promises to end suffering and enhance mental and physical health (Freedman & Enright,2017; Harvard Health Publishing Medical School, 2021; International Forgiveness Institute, 2022; McCullough & Witvliet, 2005; Nyquvest, 2021; Scheffler, 2015). From the above discussion, it can be said that forgiveness has some benefits for victims. However, when I think about cultural safety as a migrant therapist, I take into consideration the importance of the cultural aspects of the forgiveness process. Why is it important to consider the cultural aspect?
International Forgiveness Institute (2022) answered,
“The cultural diversity was strong, with presentations by people from Israel, Northern Ireland, the Philippines, Taiwan, and the United States. Despite the wide cultural differences, one thing was clear: The meaning of both agape [love] and forgiveness do not change as we get on an airplane and visit cultures that are far away from one another.”
When a client has a collectivist cultural perspective, I normally invite their family and whanau to discuss how they can support my client and how I can better respect their culture because they believe the forgiveness process should involve victims’ families who have a ‘responsibility’ to look after them. They also claim that the trauma should be shared in the family and the whanau treats the individual’s trauma as their collective trauma.
Rata et al. (2008) warned, “However, much of the existing literature has been sampled from Western populations and has focused on forgiveness at the individual level. As a result, the conclusions drawn from such studies may not generalise well to group-level forgiveness and may not be equally applicable across cultures” (p.19).
According to Joo et al. (2019) research,
“We hypothesize that Japanese and American differences in features of forgiveness may be due to the following potential contributors to culturally specific understandings of forgiveness: differences in focus on relationship harmony or self-enhancement, motivation to adjust to or influence others, decisional or emotional processes, emphasis on the situation or the individual, and the acceptance of ambivalent or primarily positively valenced attributes” (see Table 1).
In addition, from my work experience, I have learned firsthand that Japanese victims’ way of forgiving includes their ‘action’, not only the emotional process, as the table shows their forgiveness process to be decisional.
In fact, Joo et al. (2019) found, “For Japanese participants, the five most central features were to be tolerant, [to be a] high caliber person, [to be] charitable, to have an open heart/broad mind, and being accepting” (p.682).
At this point, I discovered that we Japanese and Maori have similar values for forgiveness. Rata et al. (2008) research showed that three high-level themes were identified. These themes were Rongo, Whakapapa, and Kaupapa (refer to Figure 1, p. 20). They emphasized that the Maori way of forgiveness is explored at their community level while English psychology focuses on the benefit of the individual level.
Rata et al. (2008) concluded, “Following transgressions, Rongo is achieved when the balance in the relationship is restored through compensation or reciprocity” (p.21).
It suggests that we should observe our social structure, not only the cultural aspects.
For instance, Murray (1978) argued,
“A fundamental aspect of American social structure which must be understood and confronted if there is any hope of dealing with marital violence is the existence of cultural norm which, as previously noted, makes the marriage license also a hitting license” (p. 197) cited in Roy (1978).
I have met many clients in the past with battered women syndrome, their self-esteem was normally very low, and this contributed heavily to them remaining in the abusive relationship(s). Psychcentral (2022) mentioned, “Abusive relationships can affect self-esteem and confidence. Survivors may often be left feeling unsafe and incapable of trusting not only others but themselves as well.”
Gotter (2021) described the reasons for this, “People living with battered woman syndrome may feel helpless. This can cause them to wrongly believe they deserve the abuse and that they can’t get away from it.” When discussing forgiveness from a person who has battered women’s syndrome, it is necessary to consider the timing of forgiveness. There are some articles that argue that it is unsafe for the victims to forgive their partners in cases where they have not left them yet because it will give abusers more control over them (Briggs, 2014; Rata et al., 2008).
In addition, McCullough and Witvliet (2005) discussed,
“Correspondingly, they proposed that people at the earliest stages of moral reasoning about forgiveness—the stages of revengeful forgiveness and institutional forgiveness—reason that forgiveness is only appropriate after the victim has obtained revenge and/or the transgressor has made restitution” (p.453).
It is still extremely hard for a human being to achieve Kohlberg’s post-conventional stage. However, Jesus showed forgiveness to us.
For instance, Scheffler (2015) insisted,
“Jesus' disciples would have sensed that interpersonal forgiveness is not an easy matter. By saying seven times or 70 times seven Jesus says one should forgive without limit, and this leaves the question open whether Jesus' teaching could not be exploited by the abuser”(p.5).
I believe that Jesus is teaching us that forgiveness gives us freedom from the abuser. According to Cloud and Townsend (2018), “To forgive someone means to let him off the hook, or to cancel a debt he owes you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to him forever” (p. 140). I also believe that forgiveness will provide a great opportunity for a victim to become a survivor, to be able to be free and independent from an abuser because God gave us free will and the opportunity to grow on our own terms.
Scheffler (2015) defined that his or her act of forgiveness is for their well-being not by being asked by a perpetrator (p.5).
Scheffler (2015) continued,
“Despite its central role in Jesus' teaching, the notion of mutual human forgiveness sacrificed its prime role in subsequent Christianity. After Jesus' death and deification he himself became the prime message and faith in him and his sacrificial death ensured forgiveness of personal sin and heavenly salvation” (p.2).
This recalls the following words from The Bible: “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew, 7:9-11, NIV)
It is not easy to forgive others, especially in an abusive relationship. However, in front of God, both the victim and the persecutor are his children.
Scheffler (2015) also mentioned that “It should further be realised that forgiveness is a difficult, continuing process that demands definite actions from those seeking it. This may involve treatment but also specific benevolent deeds towards the other” (p.9).
As the cycle of violence theory shows, it is very difficult to break the cycle of violence. I have met many clients who returned to their partner’s home from the Domestic Violence Refuge for thousands of reasons including emotional dependency, financial stress, and fears of being killed by them. However, the Bible says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans, 12:2,NIV). This word of God empowers me to continue to work on aiding victims in their journey to become survivors of family violence with unconditional forgiveness.
References
Briggs, D. (2014). Researchers tell faith communities to let trauma survivors forgive in their own time. Christian Century, 131(19), 17-18.
Could, H, & Townsend, J. (2018). Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life, HarperCollins Religious.
Freedman S & Enright R,D.(2017).The Use of Forgiveness Therapy with Female Survivors of Abuse, J Women's Health Care,6 (3),1-6. DOI: 10.4172/2167-0420.1000369
Gotter, A. (2021, May 6).Battered Woman Syndrome, Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/battered-woman-syndrome
Harvard Health Publishing Medical School. (2021, February 12). The power of forgiveness, The REACH method teaches how to overcome lingering bad feelings toward someone who did you wrong. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgiveness
International Forgiveness Institute. (2022 July 19). A Reflection on the International Educational Conference on Agape Love and Forgiveness, Madison, Wisconsin. https://internationalforgiveness.com/category/our-forgiveness-blog/barriers-to-forgiveness/
Joo,M.,Terzino, K., Cross, S.,Yamaguchi, N & Ohbuchi, K. (2019). How Does Culture Shape Conceptions of Forgiveness? Evidence From Japan and the United States. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 5 (5). 676-706. DOI: 10.1177/0022022119845502
Matsakis,A. (1996). I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors ( 2 nd ed), New Harbinger Publications.
McCullough, M.E. & Witvliet, C.V., (2005). 'The psychology of forgiveness', in C.R. Snyder & S.J. Lopez (eds.), Handbook of positive psychology, pp. 446-458, Oxford University Press, New York, NY.
Nyquvest,T. (2021 February 21). How to forgive someone and the health benefits of forgiveness, both mental and physical. Explainer. https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/health-wellness/article/3123227/how-forgive-someone-and-health-benefits-forgiveness-both
Psychcentral. (2022 December 20). How Do You Forgive Someone Who Abused You? https://psychcentral.com/relationships/how-do-i-forgive-my-abuser
Rata, A., Liu, J. H., Hanke, K. (2008). Te ara hohou rongo (The path to peace): Mäori conceptualisations of inter-group forgiveness. New Zealand Journal of Psychology, 37(2), 18–30.
Roy, M. (1978). Battered Women: Psychosociological Study of Domestic Violence. Van Nostrand Reinhold Company.
Scheffler, E. (2015). Reflecting on Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness from a positive psychological perspective. HTS Teologiese Studies / Theological Studies, 71(1),1-10 . DOI: https://doi.org/10.4102/hts.v71i1.2982
